Can't Sleep...

THis is on my facebook... but I thought I'd add it as a blog as well...

I just got home from Texas today, and I am having trouble sleeping. Not that those things correlate... but, yes. All I can do is lay here and think... I'm sick of thinking.

I just want to be fuly satisfied in Christ.
I know it's something that I will constantly strive for, but I'm drowning here.

I'm always looking for reasons I do what I do, reasons I think HOW I think. Trying to make things fit.
confusing, I know.
example... "OH, I guess I do this b/c this happened to me at this time. and I think I do this b/c secretly I want this to turn out like this."
That probably still doesn't make sense... but I know what I mean.

I've been so irratable today. I don't know why.
I'm tired of everyone's negative attitude (including my own)
I'm sick of everyone's "Woe is me"
I don't feel sorry for me... I love my life... I am just having trouble right now, understanding the decisons I make and my thought process... but it's just something to work through. Things WILL get better. I AM on God's side... even if I feel a bit lost sometimes...
I have no tolerance for people who are mean to other people.
I don't want to have to sugar coat things for everyone, so their feelings don't get hurt. But none the less, I still don't want to hurt people's feelings...
I hate the whole I don't care about anything motto, yes, you do care, if you're really honest with yourself.

I hate those really long, and sometimes short, emo satus's... I have one now... but I hate them...

I feel pretty blunt right now.
I don't like being used, taken advantage of, or lied to. I didn't realize how much this actually happened.

I want to have a day where I play OUTSIDE ALL day playing. Eating popsicles. running in the sprinkler. playing Indian princess under the willow tree in my back yard. Back when the only thing that annoyed me or upset me was when my siblings took a toy. Oh... the summer days. Basketball. Club houses. Secret passwords. It all sounds so soothing. In fact, I do believe that will help me to sleep now.

I'm pretty much just rambling... these are my thoughts... THis is how they are processesed. Probably makes a little more sense why I don't USUALLY make sense when talking with people.

I like flying. I like meeting new people. I like learning about me. But I like learning about them more. I like to try new things, even when it's hard, and I don't want to try them that moment.

God is good.
Life is perfect, enough. <-- my motto, I think...
Looking back on this... I just need to remember to love. Yep... that is key.
Love God. Love People.
Laugh it off...

I told you I'd write... It's just a little late. It surprises me that I haven't, because we all know that I've needed to let a lot of things out. God is still pulling on my heart. And I'm fighting to let go of it and my life and fully surrender everything to Him. It's hard, especially because I like to be in control. But who doesn't, right? The more emmersed in His Word I am, the deeper I fall in love with Him. He's the lover of my soul, despite all flaws. As a woman, I long to love hard, and to be loved. And the more distracted with that desire I become, the more I realize, that's not exactly what I want, but I want to be captivated by the Creator of the Universe! And that's where I am.

There are so many places Christ could be taking me, I want to stop worrying, stop trying to figure it out on my own, stop trying to plan my life. My life is already in a plan full of Christ's glory, I am going to stick with that one.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God is GOOD.

I am in Texas right now, visiting my aunt, and we are having tons of fun! : ) It is so nice to relax and be away from the consant hustle and bustle of life at home. I've slept in TWICE already!! :) We got our nails and toenails done yesterday, that's quite out of the ordinary! I have no appointments or deadlines to meet! I am definitely enjoying the time I have here! But I'll be excited to come home too! I flew here, and I love it!! haha... I have to say I was a little nervous because I haven't flown in a while, but it was most enjoyable! : )

So I'm trying to read some more Jane Austen, she is a BRILLIANT writer, and I love her! haha... And I've been working out while I'm here!! It's so easy to be in a routine when I am away from home. I love being in a routine, and relaxing and having fun! :) But I am going to quit writing before I ramble lots more... I'll try to write again soon! :)

Linds. <><

Wow... I looked back at the date on which I had last written... And I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only a little over a month had passed. I feel like too much has changed for that little amount of time to have passed. I'm exhausted now... but I plan on writing about it soon! :) Thanks to all who read! :P

LOVE.

I don't have much to say... only that I am rediculously tired and can't sleep, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

I've learned today.

A) My parents are people too... they were kids once and they are growing and learning and developing even still... They have scars just like I do. They DO understand. Not that I've doubted that, but I know on occasions I have questioned it.

B) Sometimes I find myself searching for the perfect relationship, friends, social status and reputation. And I've come to find that I absolutely LOVE life the way it is. The flaws of reality are what make life perfect, perfect enough. God knows what He's doing!

C) LOVE.

Questions...

How many times do you have to write it down? How many times do you have to discuss it? how many times do you have to ponder the question before you have an answer? We search in so many different places for our answers in hopes that out of the repetition one will appear. Or that something will come up that will suffice or hold our wondering thoughts for a while. Self-discovery. Something that usually happens to people when they are older (well older than me). But every decision I make (small or large) amazes me. From word choice in my journals and blogs to what I'm going to take a bit of first on my plate. I am a very internal person. I think... A LOT. I suppose everyone does, but I can't be sure on account it's not a topic spoken of often, and I don't know how it is to be someone else. I ask ME a lot of questions. In fact, I quite enjoy my company, although I'm not sure why, because I get onto myself all the time.

I like honesty. Vulnerable honesty. And that's who I am when I'm w/ me. Transparent. I like to think about life when I was smaller. There's something about how innocent and FUN life was then. I do miss it, especially now that I'm older. I miss what it feels like to simply play. Cowboys and Indians, Indian princess, Batman and Catwomen. (All games I played as a child! :) ) It all leads back to one thing, I love life. And I have always loved life and the people I share it with. I have been through a period of depression, yes, but it wasn't that I didn't want to live. Only that I wanted to live MY life, not my parent's, teacher's, disciple leaders', not my friends', or a rockstars' life, but MINE. And on so many occasions that's whose life I was TRYING to live. "They look like they have it all together, I'm going to be like them. I have to meet my husband in college and they have to write a song to propose, or I have to date in high school so I can marry my high school sweetheart." But it's not like that, I realized I wanted my OWN story. And my story started w/ the fact that I wanted (well, still want) to live it for God, but that's 100% harder with every thought and breath. It saddens me to think the majority of my time is wasted on something other than God. That I waste my mind thinking about guys, other people's problems, my future life: job, husband, kids...
And yet to 'fix' it, I don't seek God's tender touch, but the gentle touch of any "man", "boy", or "friend" that's around. To talk to any guy allays my fears and doubts. But like God promises, it's momentary. I don't know why I feel the need for someone to listen to me so badly or to hold me so everything will be okay. (Cause that's what fixes problems...) And in the morning, even within the very hour, I regret it. You'd think I'd learn. I even talk to my girls about stuff, but even still, I fel the need to tell someone else, to dwell on it a little longer, to over analyze yet another step before I take it. Like I'm doing now I guess, and I'm writing this thinking, what even is the IT that I'm talking of?...

WOW

It's senior Spring Break... always a big one, supposedly. But I want more out of spring break than most. More than just being trashed... I am expecting more than that. To actually remember how much fun I had, who I met, and to not regret any decisions made: that is what I expect. I see people on the beach, in their condos, drunk and making some crazy decisions. Did I mention that I have only been in Panama for about 7 hours? Yea. I came here w/ a relaxed spirit, with no distractions to hear God speak to me. And guess what? He is! Already! I am now reading A Young Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George, and when I first saw the cover I was thinking, I'm too old for this book, but I bought it anyways. And it was God's plan, it's like He's speaking right to MY heart. He amazes me, my God. I hear over and over that He will always take you back no matter what I have done, big or small, and I always get to the point where I'm thinking, "Okay, He's going to take me back, but He has to be tired of this. He must be so angry with me and frustrated saying, "Don't you get it yet?" But that's the beauty of His love. He isn't saying that, He's ready for me to come home to Him. WOW (dramatic pause) WOW This is for real. The mini-gifts and assurances He gives me, there is no doubt in my mind that He really LOVES me THAT much! How is it that I can get so distracted w/ friends, FACEBOOK... that I don't take time out of my day to spend with Him who loves me THAT much? I have 24 hours just like everyone else. And if some can do it, I can. I'm not balancing the world on my shoulders. Although I have to convince myself of that daily. Christ is here. He is helping me, loving me, showing me grace and mercy. WOW

I'm going to continue reading... but I wanted to post while it was on my heart!

Love you all.

Linds. <><

Change...

It's a thinking week again...

Musical is over. Three years of my life have been spent working hard on something I love, with people I love and it's over. There are new experiences headed my way,yes I know, but it's hard for me to think of my life w/o that same routine. I love routine, mind that I have to mix it up occasionally. I like knowing what is coming next. It's not knowing that scares and worries me to death. That's why I'm trying to fully rely on God.

This not dating thing isn't working. I don't know what I was thinking... I have failed... Not that I've dated, that's not a problem. Trust me I have plenty of commiment issues (the idea is so nice) It's b/c I've put that limit there... it's where all my attention is. It's all backwards.

I sit here w/ tears in my eyes... Things are becoming so real. I really AM growing up. I will have to move out one day. Things aren't going to be this way forever. It's weird. I love everyone so much! That's one constant. Love. From God and family and friends.

People are showing their true colors lately. It's shocking!

I'm just going to be completely random in this blog b/c my brain is that way right now... Usually they flow! haha...

All this senior year stuff is sinking in... I love all my classmates so much! I don't want to leave them... I'm not ready... I was ready at the begininng of the year... but not now... I love memories... I like to collect them... and I don't want to miss any good ones...

Happily Ever After

You know those days when the little things go right and it just makes your day AMAZING? For example, waking up before your annoying alarm goes off, taking a shower AND leaving on time for school! Well... today was totally NOT one of those days! haha... School was fun though, I wasn't there. I was able to visit a couple Elementary Schools and perform songs w/ the Seussical cast for them. But as the day grew longer, my exhaustion (that seems to becoming more of a friend than an aquaintance) began to settle in and the reality of all I had to do the rest of the day was coming to mind. Which only makes you more tired, you know!



Sometimes I wonder why I care SO much about everything and everybody. I mean don't get me wrong, I've hurt people's feelings and talked about someone behind their back just as much as any other high school girl... but I genuinely try not to hurt anyone (even if they aren't aware of it right then). I'm so uptight sometimes though... I love to have fun and let loose, but it's like I'm always the one who chooses to be "the responsible one" or the "party pooper". High school is suppose to be the 'best years of your life', but I don't think it's been all that it's cracked up to be. Maybe college will be my "best years," either way I am happy with what I've learned in the past couple of years. I think I'm just upset that things are finally ending. I'm coming to the conclusion that things really DO end and life isn't always going to be like a movie or a fairy tale. I do know that I will be living Happily ever after with my God in heaven... but sometimes I get done about life. Being positive always helps though, and I have God and He is all I need!



I came [------] <this close to quitting music today. I thought I'll never get all this down, I can't do harmony, or play piano, who am I kidding.! And then I was like... okay Mr. Grumpy Gills let's be a little more negative. I mean when's the last time I haven't been able to pick up something I've set my mind to. So music it is! : )

Forgetting things comes easily to me, remembering is a challenge.

With as many thoughts as I have, I didn't believe that it would be so hard to put them into words. I am thinking 98% of my day and my most recent thought was that blogging would be the best way to release the energy, the stress, and the anxiety of self-discovery and the realization of the reality to which I have been blind, until now. I want to write it all down so I don't forget what I'm learning.

On Saturday, February 16, I made a commitment to God not to date for a year. For those who know me, they can't believe it. Secretly, I belive they think I will break it, but I know I won't. I'm 'boy crazy' as my mom use to call it when I was six, but I'd like to think I'm coming out of it. Everyone likes attention, and I've always gotten along better with the guys. They are so relaxed and compared to my OCD, perfectionist personality, it's a nice break. This year I long to learn to lean solely on God.


I would love to just be away from everything for a few days, maybe this Spring Break I'll get a chance! To be alone; just me and God, praying, and reading His Word, enjoying His earth. Which, when it comes down to it, I should be doing everday anyways, but that is definitely something with which I struggle.

I love to be fully immersed in something. To be able to give it all I have and finish something makes me so happy! Random? Yes. Truth be told, I want that to be God. I have so many distractions, some I make myself, others that are inevitable and I must learn to ignore, but they're there all the same. I long to give myself over completely to Christ, and that's what I'm doing. God is showing me that He is truly all I need. Often times I have put my self worth in friends and family, in high school, in perfectionism. But it's not my heart's desire. My heart's desire is to praise God with my entire way of life, with every breath and every thought. I want to GO and tell others about this marvelous God that I serve. I want to be able to love on the kids in Africa, perhaps Maine, or Scotland, or Ireland! : ) I don't care where. But I also want to sing to Him, to use (which at most times seems like the only talent I posess) my voice to cry out to Him in praise!

I had so much on my mind earlier that it was hard to pick a topic to write on, but I have chosen and the others will come out in time! Thanks for reading, I hope you get as much out of this blog as I!

Linds. <><