My thought process... read at your own risk!

As many of you know, I just got back from working at a summer camp for two months. I went expecting to be challenged and to be changed. I was definitely challenged, and I thought I had changed. I had looked forward to the end of the summer since day 14 when the first campers arrived. I just knew God had something incredible to show me and I had so much to look forward to, like being w/ my family again, having my brother back in Bowling Green, and to be the person that God was going to grow me into. Not to mention being able to share Christ with students ALL SUMMER! And so it happened, summer ended, my brother moved back for the first time in four years (it's so good to spend time with him again), and I am with my family. But I'm not in fantasy land anymore. This is real life. And I was so ready for it. Not only had I been challenged AT camp, but I knew coming back would be a challenge. And I was ready for it. "Ready," right? But things have been so overwhelming. So much family at once and so many decisions that needed to be made. I've been driving myself crazy with it all. Trying to process what I think about who I am and where I want to be. Apparently that's always the case. I thought instead of thinking about it some more I'd try to write and I ended up here. I reread my last post. It's amazing how many of my "problems" are STILL THE SAME... Really? I must have "changed" so much. I don't mean to be negative. Just a realist, right? I mean that's what everyone is calling it these days. All the things I read about, I'm feeling and going through right now.

The day I left for camp I cried for a good 20 minutes on the way home b/c I missed it, I missed the people. And then it was over. Ever since I got home it feels as though camp is a million miles away and like it never happened. Everything feels so fake. To be completely honest, I don't even miss it now. I'm so far away from it. I felt like I didn't fit in there.

I'm becoming more and more of a person who likes to be alone. Which I never thought I'd be. I have always loved people... and I still do. But I love to be by myself. This isn't the person I want to be. I miss having fun. I haven't had real fun in so long. The chances I had to have fun at camp with the staff I felt like I used trying to fit in. I feel like instead of maturing that I have somehow become more immature. I mean I'm 19... and I want to be 19. It's hard trying to do the right thing all the time. And I fail miserably. To most they can't see it. But my close friends know my biggest flaws. I'm sitting here crying thinking, "maybe I should see some sort of counselor. Or maybe I'm crazy and they should lock me away."

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED camp. It was just HARD. People say, "It sounds like a lot of hard work, kayaking, life guarding, working the tower, and hanging out with awesome people all summer. Must have been tough." But it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's by God's hand that I made it through. I had a lot of days where I was completely on fire. And then there are days like this where I am completely apathetic to everything. God loves me so much, this I know. He has poured blessing after blessing upon me. And the only thing I want to do right now is run away from it all. I was stoked to come back and be a part of a church family and share with them everything I have learned. But now I'm questioning it all. It's good to ask questions though. I went to church yesterday and was just frustrated. I felt like I was surrounded with people who just went to church to check it off their list of things to do on Sunday, right under grocery shopping and eating at Puerta Vallarta. I just want honesty. I was standing and singing and thinking how many of the people opening their mouths and using their vocal chords to sing praises to God actually realized they were SINGING PRAISES TO GOD. Or if this was just the part of Sunday where they sang songs and all was right with the world. I was thinking how God must feel about those who were just mouthing the words and feeling good about themselves because instead of sleeping in they came to church and were subconsciously excited about what God owed them b/c of it. I quit singing some of the songs b/c I was doing that. And that broke my heart. I didn't want to get back into the same broken routine. God is teaching... I just don't know what He's preparing me for.

This summer God taught me...

** God blesses us so that we may bless others. (John Nix)

** God is SOVEREIGN. He has EVERYTHING worked out so it fits like puzzle pieces for His glory. Like when you're reading a book and you think wow things are so messed up there's no way it could work out, and then you read the end and are astonished at how it actually did. Make sense?

** The answer is yes, God. What is the question? (Dave Lowe)

** What it was like to REST in God's love. WOW.

** How it feels to completely surrender to Christ.

** That God is always close, it's not about a feeling.

** I do misplace a lot of things. I'm a bit of a basket case and I'm okay with it.

** Not to worry about the outside of me b/c that will fade. But becoming more like Christ on the inside will be eternal.

** Faith. Have it.

** My desire for a husband is great... BUT my desire for the Lord and HIS will is greater.

A question still unanswered is why don't I get as excited about Jesus and about the gospel as I do WKU basketball?

** The church is NOT for US, but for God.

** I do not serve people, but God.

** I'm learning to SERVE. Not just one day out of the year, or one week, but in everything I do.

** To ask myself, What is your motivation for this?

** Don't be afraid to grow up. It's time. I can't hold onto childhood forever.

** I must decrease so God can increase. (John Nix)

** Jesus WENT to people... he didn't wait for them to come to Him. (Brent Gambrell/John Nix)

** Have accountability.

I forget all these... a lot.

Reading back through my journals over the summer has helped me to see that this summer wasn't a lost cause and that I have changed. But that I can't take my eyes off Christ, or my focus b/c THAT'S when things get crazy. When I try to take things in my own hands and do things my way, that's when things "fall apart." My life hasn't "fallen apart" since I got home. But I was getting panicky and wondering why things weren't going the way I thought. Looking back on the past couple days, I can see the many ways God has tried to get my attention. God hasn't gone anywhere or given up on me, but I have wondered off on my own path, and I could only see ONE piece of the puzzle that God is building... Everything that I've been worrying about I had dealt with at camp. I guess I just needed to reevaluate and look over everything. DRAMA QUEEN! haha Like I said in my previous blog, I am only happy when I am Who Christ made me to be and when I am completely wrapped up in Him. How could I forget that, even for a split second.

My dad has been doing nice things for me since the day I came home. And I kept thinking that's so nice, how can I repay him. Why is he doing this? Even if it was simply buying me a milkshake. I'm so thankful for the love he demonstrates for me and the rest of his family. And now I'm thinking about how it is the perfect example of God's love for us. He does things for us because He loves us. NOT because we deserve it. So STOP trying to do things to DESERVE it because you never will. You will never deserve what He has to offer. Just thank Him for it and LOVE him back. LOVE HIM BACK. That's why we were made. How has God blessed me with such an amazing family and life, that I don't deserve? I don't know, but I thank Him for it. Every thing else that I've worried about is so petty. And I'm laughing that I was even writing about it. God provides. WOW.

There's so much I want out of life. So much that I want to do! I want to learn piano and more guitar. I want to travel. I want to help people! I recently switched my major to nursing, I'm not sure of all that entails but we'll see how it goes! I don't like being tied down to anything. I love spontaneous trips and just going and doing things. God made me full of life and it's hard to be tied down to Bowling Green, Ky and college... God made me a person that is ready for change. My stepmom helped me figure that one out. I think it's all the change at once that has kind of thrown me off kilter. I think that's why I don't miss camp very much is b/c I realize that it was only a stage of my life. So I put everything I had into it and experienced it, but now it's time to move on. And I was worrying because I was okay with moving on and I didn't think that was normal. But it's how God made me and I won't make excuses or be hard on myself for being me any more. I'm me... take it or leave it! :)