LOVE.

I don't have much to say... only that I am rediculously tired and can't sleep, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

I've learned today.

A) My parents are people too... they were kids once and they are growing and learning and developing even still... They have scars just like I do. They DO understand. Not that I've doubted that, but I know on occasions I have questioned it.

B) Sometimes I find myself searching for the perfect relationship, friends, social status and reputation. And I've come to find that I absolutely LOVE life the way it is. The flaws of reality are what make life perfect, perfect enough. God knows what He's doing!

C) LOVE.

Questions...

How many times do you have to write it down? How many times do you have to discuss it? how many times do you have to ponder the question before you have an answer? We search in so many different places for our answers in hopes that out of the repetition one will appear. Or that something will come up that will suffice or hold our wondering thoughts for a while. Self-discovery. Something that usually happens to people when they are older (well older than me). But every decision I make (small or large) amazes me. From word choice in my journals and blogs to what I'm going to take a bit of first on my plate. I am a very internal person. I think... A LOT. I suppose everyone does, but I can't be sure on account it's not a topic spoken of often, and I don't know how it is to be someone else. I ask ME a lot of questions. In fact, I quite enjoy my company, although I'm not sure why, because I get onto myself all the time.

I like honesty. Vulnerable honesty. And that's who I am when I'm w/ me. Transparent. I like to think about life when I was smaller. There's something about how innocent and FUN life was then. I do miss it, especially now that I'm older. I miss what it feels like to simply play. Cowboys and Indians, Indian princess, Batman and Catwomen. (All games I played as a child! :) ) It all leads back to one thing, I love life. And I have always loved life and the people I share it with. I have been through a period of depression, yes, but it wasn't that I didn't want to live. Only that I wanted to live MY life, not my parent's, teacher's, disciple leaders', not my friends', or a rockstars' life, but MINE. And on so many occasions that's whose life I was TRYING to live. "They look like they have it all together, I'm going to be like them. I have to meet my husband in college and they have to write a song to propose, or I have to date in high school so I can marry my high school sweetheart." But it's not like that, I realized I wanted my OWN story. And my story started w/ the fact that I wanted (well, still want) to live it for God, but that's 100% harder with every thought and breath. It saddens me to think the majority of my time is wasted on something other than God. That I waste my mind thinking about guys, other people's problems, my future life: job, husband, kids...
And yet to 'fix' it, I don't seek God's tender touch, but the gentle touch of any "man", "boy", or "friend" that's around. To talk to any guy allays my fears and doubts. But like God promises, it's momentary. I don't know why I feel the need for someone to listen to me so badly or to hold me so everything will be okay. (Cause that's what fixes problems...) And in the morning, even within the very hour, I regret it. You'd think I'd learn. I even talk to my girls about stuff, but even still, I fel the need to tell someone else, to dwell on it a little longer, to over analyze yet another step before I take it. Like I'm doing now I guess, and I'm writing this thinking, what even is the IT that I'm talking of?...