Something creative.

I'm sitting in the library (It's a new thing for me I know! Don't judge! ;] haha jk) trying to get some work done. It's proving to be difficult because I am not a good self motivator! I have SO much I'm thinking about too! My whole world is upside-down. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing to do about it is pray and blog. Well, not so much blog as it is to at least write down what I'm thinking. I have to get it out so I can physically see my thoughts! LOSER! :) With a memory like mine it's important to write things down so you can remember it later! :)

Life has so much to offer. Christ being the center. That's definitely where I want to be, and definitely where I'm not. College has definitely changed me, but I don't know if it has necessarily changed me or if it has just shown me who I am. As most people know, I like to learn about people and myself. Or maybe they don't know. Maybe that's a part of me that people don't see. I feel most comfortable with life when I know I'm living it as God created me to live it. When I am being myself, the person that God knitted together in my mother's womb, I am so happy! And when I'm by myself I know who that person is. I've needed some by myself down time lately. I have had about an hour and a half of that and it feels good! haha... It's raining outside and it's so refreshing! Looking at it I feel like I've just cried, but I haven't! Just plenty of sighs of relief. God is holding my hands and saying, "Look at me, it's going to be okay!"

Friends. I have a lot of those. But I don't have that one group of tight knit people that I hang out with on the weekends. That's kind of hard for me. Although I LOVE hanging out with all the wonderful people I'm surrounded with, when I need someone to talk to I feel like I'm just pouring my guts out to people who don't really know what to say and don't really care to be listening. Not in a poor me way haha, but I just ramble and they aren't quite understanding and would rather be writing that paper that's due tomorrow. I use to share my life with everyone... but I found that's not good either! haha But blogging for real helps! It's not that I need people's advice... I pretty much know what I need to do... but it's just nice to think things through and have someone listen!

So enough of the ambiguous talk right!? haha Right now I'm stressing. But more about life than about getting my homework done and stuff. I am SO scared to make a wrong decision. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be doing what God wants me. So instead I wait until the last minute when my decision is made for me. Still kind of ambiguous I guess! haha... For example, what do I need to do next year? Where do I need to be? I want to be challenged. I have been LAZY this year!! I definitely need to get another job. So that's taken care of. But as far as a ministry? I need to COMMIT! Oh did I mention I have commitment issues? I want to be a part of everything and still do what I want when I want. It doesn't happen like that. Hasn't ever, and I won't be the first! haha I want to RUSH in the fall... I think it would be such a unique experience! But I want to be involved with the BCM and be a strong leader! Is that where God wants me? Can I do both of those? I'm not quite sure! haha Date... don't date? WOW... what a topic. And I'm not very good at listening to God on this one anyways. I don't care to be dating anyone. I know big shock right? Lindsey the boy crazy one doesn't care if she's dating someone or not? But isn't that what she always wants? NO. It's not... yea I joke around about WKU basketball players (don't act like y'all don't know I'm obsessed! ;] ) Yes I love WKU basketball and I joke around, but that doesn't mean I'm for real about any of it. It's always taken so literally. I love the game of basketball. Period. I love WKU basketball. Period. Not the players! Sure it's nice to be noticed by a guy, and it's fun to point out who I find attractive but I don't want this to be something that's always talked about. It's SO OLD. 13 years of talking about guys is enough. Can I please move on with my life?! I feel like I give so many people the wrong impression. But that's what they have in their head and it's not easy to change it. I want to tho. I wanna be fully ME and not fit into the mold of who people THINK I am. That's not the mold I fit any more for sure. I want to be stretched and challenged! I want to DO something! I want to work for something! I want to put myself WHOLLY into something! And Christ needs to be that! Oh it feels so nice to say it all! I can BREATHE!

It's starting to thunder! I LOVE storms! I can't tell you how relieved I feel! I can move on w/ my day and write my papers now! :) So if you need me that's where I'll be! I'm sure I won't argue about a little break from those!

Love you all!

OH... LOVE that's another topic I feel strongly about now... but I'll wait to ramble about that until later! haha

After many tears...

I found this on my computer when searching for any motivation for this speech...
I dread talking tomorrow...


Ambiguous Masterpiece

My family is a first grade art project. It is unclear to most what it is; how it works. At first glance you say, “How beautiful!” and under your breath you ask, “What exactly is it?” My mom is the pink construction paper, bright and full of ideas; my dad is the blue strip across the top. He is calm and level-headed, looking over everything and making sure it’s in its place. The eraser marks are my step dad. He’s the evidence that the artist was trying to make the piece better. Emily, my sister, is the paint splatters in the background. She is experimenting with color, trying to decide what it is she is going to paint with her life, and she’s standing off to the back waiting for someone to show her direction. The macaroni noodles that are glued to the page is my little brother, Quentin. It’s something different in the art; it provides a breath of fresh air. My step mom is the glitter speckled across the page. It adds a little bit of happy to the picture; everyone can identify with it. It catches your eye immediately and adds spunk to those around it. My brother Logan is the stick figures standing on the thin line of green at the bottom of the page. He seems pretty ordinary, but you have to hear his story before you understand him. My brother Adam is the magnet that sticks the scene to the refrigerator. He isn’t closely related to the other supplies, but he brings them all together at one time. And I’m the glue. The glue that holds her parents together; even after the construction paper is peeled apart; there is always the little bit of pink stuck to the blue paper and a little bit of blue on the pink paper. The glue that holds the glitter to the page, gets stuck to the eraser, is a part of the paint, holds the macaroni on the page, and the glue that longs to be closer to the magnet. Behind this mess of art which no one can understand lies a beautiful masterpiece.

Procrastinating.

It's pretty pathetic when each blog starts with, "So I haven't written in a while." Who is really reading anyways? Tonight, I'm trying to escape writing a 2-3 minute speech.(Couldn't be shorter, but my perfectionist attitude has to have the exact word I want in the exact place I think it should go.)

I miss writing, a lot. It helps me think. And it seems like every other day I have something new to think on, something new for Lindsey to over-analyze. Okay, so I'm being negative, sometimes it's easier. But definitely not healthier. The more negative you are the worse your mood gets.

So much life is happening right now. I want to quit the meaningless mundane tasks of the every day. What's with American culture today anyways? I suppose I'll expand on this more later. Right now I should really stop blogging and write my speech. Five hours of sleep... and it's slowly decreasing the longer I sit here. Ah, who needs it anyways?

Can't Sleep...

THis is on my facebook... but I thought I'd add it as a blog as well...

I just got home from Texas today, and I am having trouble sleeping. Not that those things correlate... but, yes. All I can do is lay here and think... I'm sick of thinking.

I just want to be fuly satisfied in Christ.
I know it's something that I will constantly strive for, but I'm drowning here.

I'm always looking for reasons I do what I do, reasons I think HOW I think. Trying to make things fit.
confusing, I know.
example... "OH, I guess I do this b/c this happened to me at this time. and I think I do this b/c secretly I want this to turn out like this."
That probably still doesn't make sense... but I know what I mean.

I've been so irratable today. I don't know why.
I'm tired of everyone's negative attitude (including my own)
I'm sick of everyone's "Woe is me"
I don't feel sorry for me... I love my life... I am just having trouble right now, understanding the decisons I make and my thought process... but it's just something to work through. Things WILL get better. I AM on God's side... even if I feel a bit lost sometimes...
I have no tolerance for people who are mean to other people.
I don't want to have to sugar coat things for everyone, so their feelings don't get hurt. But none the less, I still don't want to hurt people's feelings...
I hate the whole I don't care about anything motto, yes, you do care, if you're really honest with yourself.

I hate those really long, and sometimes short, emo satus's... I have one now... but I hate them...

I feel pretty blunt right now.
I don't like being used, taken advantage of, or lied to. I didn't realize how much this actually happened.

I want to have a day where I play OUTSIDE ALL day playing. Eating popsicles. running in the sprinkler. playing Indian princess under the willow tree in my back yard. Back when the only thing that annoyed me or upset me was when my siblings took a toy. Oh... the summer days. Basketball. Club houses. Secret passwords. It all sounds so soothing. In fact, I do believe that will help me to sleep now.

I'm pretty much just rambling... these are my thoughts... THis is how they are processesed. Probably makes a little more sense why I don't USUALLY make sense when talking with people.

I like flying. I like meeting new people. I like learning about me. But I like learning about them more. I like to try new things, even when it's hard, and I don't want to try them that moment.

God is good.
Life is perfect, enough. <-- my motto, I think...
Looking back on this... I just need to remember to love. Yep... that is key.
Love God. Love People.
Laugh it off...

I told you I'd write... It's just a little late. It surprises me that I haven't, because we all know that I've needed to let a lot of things out. God is still pulling on my heart. And I'm fighting to let go of it and my life and fully surrender everything to Him. It's hard, especially because I like to be in control. But who doesn't, right? The more emmersed in His Word I am, the deeper I fall in love with Him. He's the lover of my soul, despite all flaws. As a woman, I long to love hard, and to be loved. And the more distracted with that desire I become, the more I realize, that's not exactly what I want, but I want to be captivated by the Creator of the Universe! And that's where I am.

There are so many places Christ could be taking me, I want to stop worrying, stop trying to figure it out on my own, stop trying to plan my life. My life is already in a plan full of Christ's glory, I am going to stick with that one.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God is GOOD.

I am in Texas right now, visiting my aunt, and we are having tons of fun! : ) It is so nice to relax and be away from the consant hustle and bustle of life at home. I've slept in TWICE already!! :) We got our nails and toenails done yesterday, that's quite out of the ordinary! I have no appointments or deadlines to meet! I am definitely enjoying the time I have here! But I'll be excited to come home too! I flew here, and I love it!! haha... I have to say I was a little nervous because I haven't flown in a while, but it was most enjoyable! : )

So I'm trying to read some more Jane Austen, she is a BRILLIANT writer, and I love her! haha... And I've been working out while I'm here!! It's so easy to be in a routine when I am away from home. I love being in a routine, and relaxing and having fun! :) But I am going to quit writing before I ramble lots more... I'll try to write again soon! :)

Linds. <><

Wow... I looked back at the date on which I had last written... And I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only a little over a month had passed. I feel like too much has changed for that little amount of time to have passed. I'm exhausted now... but I plan on writing about it soon! :) Thanks to all who read! :P

LOVE.

I don't have much to say... only that I am rediculously tired and can't sleep, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

I've learned today.

A) My parents are people too... they were kids once and they are growing and learning and developing even still... They have scars just like I do. They DO understand. Not that I've doubted that, but I know on occasions I have questioned it.

B) Sometimes I find myself searching for the perfect relationship, friends, social status and reputation. And I've come to find that I absolutely LOVE life the way it is. The flaws of reality are what make life perfect, perfect enough. God knows what He's doing!

C) LOVE.