After many tears...

I found this on my computer when searching for any motivation for this speech...
I dread talking tomorrow...


Ambiguous Masterpiece

My family is a first grade art project. It is unclear to most what it is; how it works. At first glance you say, “How beautiful!” and under your breath you ask, “What exactly is it?” My mom is the pink construction paper, bright and full of ideas; my dad is the blue strip across the top. He is calm and level-headed, looking over everything and making sure it’s in its place. The eraser marks are my step dad. He’s the evidence that the artist was trying to make the piece better. Emily, my sister, is the paint splatters in the background. She is experimenting with color, trying to decide what it is she is going to paint with her life, and she’s standing off to the back waiting for someone to show her direction. The macaroni noodles that are glued to the page is my little brother, Quentin. It’s something different in the art; it provides a breath of fresh air. My step mom is the glitter speckled across the page. It adds a little bit of happy to the picture; everyone can identify with it. It catches your eye immediately and adds spunk to those around it. My brother Logan is the stick figures standing on the thin line of green at the bottom of the page. He seems pretty ordinary, but you have to hear his story before you understand him. My brother Adam is the magnet that sticks the scene to the refrigerator. He isn’t closely related to the other supplies, but he brings them all together at one time. And I’m the glue. The glue that holds her parents together; even after the construction paper is peeled apart; there is always the little bit of pink stuck to the blue paper and a little bit of blue on the pink paper. The glue that holds the glitter to the page, gets stuck to the eraser, is a part of the paint, holds the macaroni on the page, and the glue that longs to be closer to the magnet. Behind this mess of art which no one can understand lies a beautiful masterpiece.

Procrastinating.

It's pretty pathetic when each blog starts with, "So I haven't written in a while." Who is really reading anyways? Tonight, I'm trying to escape writing a 2-3 minute speech.(Couldn't be shorter, but my perfectionist attitude has to have the exact word I want in the exact place I think it should go.)

I miss writing, a lot. It helps me think. And it seems like every other day I have something new to think on, something new for Lindsey to over-analyze. Okay, so I'm being negative, sometimes it's easier. But definitely not healthier. The more negative you are the worse your mood gets.

So much life is happening right now. I want to quit the meaningless mundane tasks of the every day. What's with American culture today anyways? I suppose I'll expand on this more later. Right now I should really stop blogging and write my speech. Five hours of sleep... and it's slowly decreasing the longer I sit here. Ah, who needs it anyways?

Can't Sleep...

THis is on my facebook... but I thought I'd add it as a blog as well...

I just got home from Texas today, and I am having trouble sleeping. Not that those things correlate... but, yes. All I can do is lay here and think... I'm sick of thinking.

I just want to be fuly satisfied in Christ.
I know it's something that I will constantly strive for, but I'm drowning here.

I'm always looking for reasons I do what I do, reasons I think HOW I think. Trying to make things fit.
confusing, I know.
example... "OH, I guess I do this b/c this happened to me at this time. and I think I do this b/c secretly I want this to turn out like this."
That probably still doesn't make sense... but I know what I mean.

I've been so irratable today. I don't know why.
I'm tired of everyone's negative attitude (including my own)
I'm sick of everyone's "Woe is me"
I don't feel sorry for me... I love my life... I am just having trouble right now, understanding the decisons I make and my thought process... but it's just something to work through. Things WILL get better. I AM on God's side... even if I feel a bit lost sometimes...
I have no tolerance for people who are mean to other people.
I don't want to have to sugar coat things for everyone, so their feelings don't get hurt. But none the less, I still don't want to hurt people's feelings...
I hate the whole I don't care about anything motto, yes, you do care, if you're really honest with yourself.

I hate those really long, and sometimes short, emo satus's... I have one now... but I hate them...

I feel pretty blunt right now.
I don't like being used, taken advantage of, or lied to. I didn't realize how much this actually happened.

I want to have a day where I play OUTSIDE ALL day playing. Eating popsicles. running in the sprinkler. playing Indian princess under the willow tree in my back yard. Back when the only thing that annoyed me or upset me was when my siblings took a toy. Oh... the summer days. Basketball. Club houses. Secret passwords. It all sounds so soothing. In fact, I do believe that will help me to sleep now.

I'm pretty much just rambling... these are my thoughts... THis is how they are processesed. Probably makes a little more sense why I don't USUALLY make sense when talking with people.

I like flying. I like meeting new people. I like learning about me. But I like learning about them more. I like to try new things, even when it's hard, and I don't want to try them that moment.

God is good.
Life is perfect, enough. <-- my motto, I think...
Looking back on this... I just need to remember to love. Yep... that is key.
Love God. Love People.
Laugh it off...

I told you I'd write... It's just a little late. It surprises me that I haven't, because we all know that I've needed to let a lot of things out. God is still pulling on my heart. And I'm fighting to let go of it and my life and fully surrender everything to Him. It's hard, especially because I like to be in control. But who doesn't, right? The more emmersed in His Word I am, the deeper I fall in love with Him. He's the lover of my soul, despite all flaws. As a woman, I long to love hard, and to be loved. And the more distracted with that desire I become, the more I realize, that's not exactly what I want, but I want to be captivated by the Creator of the Universe! And that's where I am.

There are so many places Christ could be taking me, I want to stop worrying, stop trying to figure it out on my own, stop trying to plan my life. My life is already in a plan full of Christ's glory, I am going to stick with that one.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God is GOOD.

I am in Texas right now, visiting my aunt, and we are having tons of fun! : ) It is so nice to relax and be away from the consant hustle and bustle of life at home. I've slept in TWICE already!! :) We got our nails and toenails done yesterday, that's quite out of the ordinary! I have no appointments or deadlines to meet! I am definitely enjoying the time I have here! But I'll be excited to come home too! I flew here, and I love it!! haha... I have to say I was a little nervous because I haven't flown in a while, but it was most enjoyable! : )

So I'm trying to read some more Jane Austen, she is a BRILLIANT writer, and I love her! haha... And I've been working out while I'm here!! It's so easy to be in a routine when I am away from home. I love being in a routine, and relaxing and having fun! :) But I am going to quit writing before I ramble lots more... I'll try to write again soon! :)

Linds. <><

Wow... I looked back at the date on which I had last written... And I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only a little over a month had passed. I feel like too much has changed for that little amount of time to have passed. I'm exhausted now... but I plan on writing about it soon! :) Thanks to all who read! :P

LOVE.

I don't have much to say... only that I am rediculously tired and can't sleep, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

I've learned today.

A) My parents are people too... they were kids once and they are growing and learning and developing even still... They have scars just like I do. They DO understand. Not that I've doubted that, but I know on occasions I have questioned it.

B) Sometimes I find myself searching for the perfect relationship, friends, social status and reputation. And I've come to find that I absolutely LOVE life the way it is. The flaws of reality are what make life perfect, perfect enough. God knows what He's doing!

C) LOVE.

Questions...

How many times do you have to write it down? How many times do you have to discuss it? how many times do you have to ponder the question before you have an answer? We search in so many different places for our answers in hopes that out of the repetition one will appear. Or that something will come up that will suffice or hold our wondering thoughts for a while. Self-discovery. Something that usually happens to people when they are older (well older than me). But every decision I make (small or large) amazes me. From word choice in my journals and blogs to what I'm going to take a bit of first on my plate. I am a very internal person. I think... A LOT. I suppose everyone does, but I can't be sure on account it's not a topic spoken of often, and I don't know how it is to be someone else. I ask ME a lot of questions. In fact, I quite enjoy my company, although I'm not sure why, because I get onto myself all the time.

I like honesty. Vulnerable honesty. And that's who I am when I'm w/ me. Transparent. I like to think about life when I was smaller. There's something about how innocent and FUN life was then. I do miss it, especially now that I'm older. I miss what it feels like to simply play. Cowboys and Indians, Indian princess, Batman and Catwomen. (All games I played as a child! :) ) It all leads back to one thing, I love life. And I have always loved life and the people I share it with. I have been through a period of depression, yes, but it wasn't that I didn't want to live. Only that I wanted to live MY life, not my parent's, teacher's, disciple leaders', not my friends', or a rockstars' life, but MINE. And on so many occasions that's whose life I was TRYING to live. "They look like they have it all together, I'm going to be like them. I have to meet my husband in college and they have to write a song to propose, or I have to date in high school so I can marry my high school sweetheart." But it's not like that, I realized I wanted my OWN story. And my story started w/ the fact that I wanted (well, still want) to live it for God, but that's 100% harder with every thought and breath. It saddens me to think the majority of my time is wasted on something other than God. That I waste my mind thinking about guys, other people's problems, my future life: job, husband, kids...
And yet to 'fix' it, I don't seek God's tender touch, but the gentle touch of any "man", "boy", or "friend" that's around. To talk to any guy allays my fears and doubts. But like God promises, it's momentary. I don't know why I feel the need for someone to listen to me so badly or to hold me so everything will be okay. (Cause that's what fixes problems...) And in the morning, even within the very hour, I regret it. You'd think I'd learn. I even talk to my girls about stuff, but even still, I fel the need to tell someone else, to dwell on it a little longer, to over analyze yet another step before I take it. Like I'm doing now I guess, and I'm writing this thinking, what even is the IT that I'm talking of?...