http://lindseybeth.tumblr.com

My thought process... read at your own risk!

As many of you know, I just got back from working at a summer camp for two months. I went expecting to be challenged and to be changed. I was definitely challenged, and I thought I had changed. I had looked forward to the end of the summer since day 14 when the first campers arrived. I just knew God had something incredible to show me and I had so much to look forward to, like being w/ my family again, having my brother back in Bowling Green, and to be the person that God was going to grow me into. Not to mention being able to share Christ with students ALL SUMMER! And so it happened, summer ended, my brother moved back for the first time in four years (it's so good to spend time with him again), and I am with my family. But I'm not in fantasy land anymore. This is real life. And I was so ready for it. Not only had I been challenged AT camp, but I knew coming back would be a challenge. And I was ready for it. "Ready," right? But things have been so overwhelming. So much family at once and so many decisions that needed to be made. I've been driving myself crazy with it all. Trying to process what I think about who I am and where I want to be. Apparently that's always the case. I thought instead of thinking about it some more I'd try to write and I ended up here. I reread my last post. It's amazing how many of my "problems" are STILL THE SAME... Really? I must have "changed" so much. I don't mean to be negative. Just a realist, right? I mean that's what everyone is calling it these days. All the things I read about, I'm feeling and going through right now.

The day I left for camp I cried for a good 20 minutes on the way home b/c I missed it, I missed the people. And then it was over. Ever since I got home it feels as though camp is a million miles away and like it never happened. Everything feels so fake. To be completely honest, I don't even miss it now. I'm so far away from it. I felt like I didn't fit in there.

I'm becoming more and more of a person who likes to be alone. Which I never thought I'd be. I have always loved people... and I still do. But I love to be by myself. This isn't the person I want to be. I miss having fun. I haven't had real fun in so long. The chances I had to have fun at camp with the staff I felt like I used trying to fit in. I feel like instead of maturing that I have somehow become more immature. I mean I'm 19... and I want to be 19. It's hard trying to do the right thing all the time. And I fail miserably. To most they can't see it. But my close friends know my biggest flaws. I'm sitting here crying thinking, "maybe I should see some sort of counselor. Or maybe I'm crazy and they should lock me away."

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED camp. It was just HARD. People say, "It sounds like a lot of hard work, kayaking, life guarding, working the tower, and hanging out with awesome people all summer. Must have been tough." But it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's by God's hand that I made it through. I had a lot of days where I was completely on fire. And then there are days like this where I am completely apathetic to everything. God loves me so much, this I know. He has poured blessing after blessing upon me. And the only thing I want to do right now is run away from it all. I was stoked to come back and be a part of a church family and share with them everything I have learned. But now I'm questioning it all. It's good to ask questions though. I went to church yesterday and was just frustrated. I felt like I was surrounded with people who just went to church to check it off their list of things to do on Sunday, right under grocery shopping and eating at Puerta Vallarta. I just want honesty. I was standing and singing and thinking how many of the people opening their mouths and using their vocal chords to sing praises to God actually realized they were SINGING PRAISES TO GOD. Or if this was just the part of Sunday where they sang songs and all was right with the world. I was thinking how God must feel about those who were just mouthing the words and feeling good about themselves because instead of sleeping in they came to church and were subconsciously excited about what God owed them b/c of it. I quit singing some of the songs b/c I was doing that. And that broke my heart. I didn't want to get back into the same broken routine. God is teaching... I just don't know what He's preparing me for.

This summer God taught me...

** God blesses us so that we may bless others. (John Nix)

** God is SOVEREIGN. He has EVERYTHING worked out so it fits like puzzle pieces for His glory. Like when you're reading a book and you think wow things are so messed up there's no way it could work out, and then you read the end and are astonished at how it actually did. Make sense?

** The answer is yes, God. What is the question? (Dave Lowe)

** What it was like to REST in God's love. WOW.

** How it feels to completely surrender to Christ.

** That God is always close, it's not about a feeling.

** I do misplace a lot of things. I'm a bit of a basket case and I'm okay with it.

** Not to worry about the outside of me b/c that will fade. But becoming more like Christ on the inside will be eternal.

** Faith. Have it.

** My desire for a husband is great... BUT my desire for the Lord and HIS will is greater.

A question still unanswered is why don't I get as excited about Jesus and about the gospel as I do WKU basketball?

** The church is NOT for US, but for God.

** I do not serve people, but God.

** I'm learning to SERVE. Not just one day out of the year, or one week, but in everything I do.

** To ask myself, What is your motivation for this?

** Don't be afraid to grow up. It's time. I can't hold onto childhood forever.

** I must decrease so God can increase. (John Nix)

** Jesus WENT to people... he didn't wait for them to come to Him. (Brent Gambrell/John Nix)

** Have accountability.

I forget all these... a lot.

Reading back through my journals over the summer has helped me to see that this summer wasn't a lost cause and that I have changed. But that I can't take my eyes off Christ, or my focus b/c THAT'S when things get crazy. When I try to take things in my own hands and do things my way, that's when things "fall apart." My life hasn't "fallen apart" since I got home. But I was getting panicky and wondering why things weren't going the way I thought. Looking back on the past couple days, I can see the many ways God has tried to get my attention. God hasn't gone anywhere or given up on me, but I have wondered off on my own path, and I could only see ONE piece of the puzzle that God is building... Everything that I've been worrying about I had dealt with at camp. I guess I just needed to reevaluate and look over everything. DRAMA QUEEN! haha Like I said in my previous blog, I am only happy when I am Who Christ made me to be and when I am completely wrapped up in Him. How could I forget that, even for a split second.

My dad has been doing nice things for me since the day I came home. And I kept thinking that's so nice, how can I repay him. Why is he doing this? Even if it was simply buying me a milkshake. I'm so thankful for the love he demonstrates for me and the rest of his family. And now I'm thinking about how it is the perfect example of God's love for us. He does things for us because He loves us. NOT because we deserve it. So STOP trying to do things to DESERVE it because you never will. You will never deserve what He has to offer. Just thank Him for it and LOVE him back. LOVE HIM BACK. That's why we were made. How has God blessed me with such an amazing family and life, that I don't deserve? I don't know, but I thank Him for it. Every thing else that I've worried about is so petty. And I'm laughing that I was even writing about it. God provides. WOW.

There's so much I want out of life. So much that I want to do! I want to learn piano and more guitar. I want to travel. I want to help people! I recently switched my major to nursing, I'm not sure of all that entails but we'll see how it goes! I don't like being tied down to anything. I love spontaneous trips and just going and doing things. God made me full of life and it's hard to be tied down to Bowling Green, Ky and college... God made me a person that is ready for change. My stepmom helped me figure that one out. I think it's all the change at once that has kind of thrown me off kilter. I think that's why I don't miss camp very much is b/c I realize that it was only a stage of my life. So I put everything I had into it and experienced it, but now it's time to move on. And I was worrying because I was okay with moving on and I didn't think that was normal. But it's how God made me and I won't make excuses or be hard on myself for being me any more. I'm me... take it or leave it! :)

Something creative.

I'm sitting in the library (It's a new thing for me I know! Don't judge! ;] haha jk) trying to get some work done. It's proving to be difficult because I am not a good self motivator! I have SO much I'm thinking about too! My whole world is upside-down. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing to do about it is pray and blog. Well, not so much blog as it is to at least write down what I'm thinking. I have to get it out so I can physically see my thoughts! LOSER! :) With a memory like mine it's important to write things down so you can remember it later! :)

Life has so much to offer. Christ being the center. That's definitely where I want to be, and definitely where I'm not. College has definitely changed me, but I don't know if it has necessarily changed me or if it has just shown me who I am. As most people know, I like to learn about people and myself. Or maybe they don't know. Maybe that's a part of me that people don't see. I feel most comfortable with life when I know I'm living it as God created me to live it. When I am being myself, the person that God knitted together in my mother's womb, I am so happy! And when I'm by myself I know who that person is. I've needed some by myself down time lately. I have had about an hour and a half of that and it feels good! haha... It's raining outside and it's so refreshing! Looking at it I feel like I've just cried, but I haven't! Just plenty of sighs of relief. God is holding my hands and saying, "Look at me, it's going to be okay!"

Friends. I have a lot of those. But I don't have that one group of tight knit people that I hang out with on the weekends. That's kind of hard for me. Although I LOVE hanging out with all the wonderful people I'm surrounded with, when I need someone to talk to I feel like I'm just pouring my guts out to people who don't really know what to say and don't really care to be listening. Not in a poor me way haha, but I just ramble and they aren't quite understanding and would rather be writing that paper that's due tomorrow. I use to share my life with everyone... but I found that's not good either! haha But blogging for real helps! It's not that I need people's advice... I pretty much know what I need to do... but it's just nice to think things through and have someone listen!

So enough of the ambiguous talk right!? haha Right now I'm stressing. But more about life than about getting my homework done and stuff. I am SO scared to make a wrong decision. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be doing what God wants me. So instead I wait until the last minute when my decision is made for me. Still kind of ambiguous I guess! haha... For example, what do I need to do next year? Where do I need to be? I want to be challenged. I have been LAZY this year!! I definitely need to get another job. So that's taken care of. But as far as a ministry? I need to COMMIT! Oh did I mention I have commitment issues? I want to be a part of everything and still do what I want when I want. It doesn't happen like that. Hasn't ever, and I won't be the first! haha I want to RUSH in the fall... I think it would be such a unique experience! But I want to be involved with the BCM and be a strong leader! Is that where God wants me? Can I do both of those? I'm not quite sure! haha Date... don't date? WOW... what a topic. And I'm not very good at listening to God on this one anyways. I don't care to be dating anyone. I know big shock right? Lindsey the boy crazy one doesn't care if she's dating someone or not? But isn't that what she always wants? NO. It's not... yea I joke around about WKU basketball players (don't act like y'all don't know I'm obsessed! ;] ) Yes I love WKU basketball and I joke around, but that doesn't mean I'm for real about any of it. It's always taken so literally. I love the game of basketball. Period. I love WKU basketball. Period. Not the players! Sure it's nice to be noticed by a guy, and it's fun to point out who I find attractive but I don't want this to be something that's always talked about. It's SO OLD. 13 years of talking about guys is enough. Can I please move on with my life?! I feel like I give so many people the wrong impression. But that's what they have in their head and it's not easy to change it. I want to tho. I wanna be fully ME and not fit into the mold of who people THINK I am. That's not the mold I fit any more for sure. I want to be stretched and challenged! I want to DO something! I want to work for something! I want to put myself WHOLLY into something! And Christ needs to be that! Oh it feels so nice to say it all! I can BREATHE!

It's starting to thunder! I LOVE storms! I can't tell you how relieved I feel! I can move on w/ my day and write my papers now! :) So if you need me that's where I'll be! I'm sure I won't argue about a little break from those!

Love you all!

OH... LOVE that's another topic I feel strongly about now... but I'll wait to ramble about that until later! haha

After many tears...

I found this on my computer when searching for any motivation for this speech...
I dread talking tomorrow...


Ambiguous Masterpiece

My family is a first grade art project. It is unclear to most what it is; how it works. At first glance you say, “How beautiful!” and under your breath you ask, “What exactly is it?” My mom is the pink construction paper, bright and full of ideas; my dad is the blue strip across the top. He is calm and level-headed, looking over everything and making sure it’s in its place. The eraser marks are my step dad. He’s the evidence that the artist was trying to make the piece better. Emily, my sister, is the paint splatters in the background. She is experimenting with color, trying to decide what it is she is going to paint with her life, and she’s standing off to the back waiting for someone to show her direction. The macaroni noodles that are glued to the page is my little brother, Quentin. It’s something different in the art; it provides a breath of fresh air. My step mom is the glitter speckled across the page. It adds a little bit of happy to the picture; everyone can identify with it. It catches your eye immediately and adds spunk to those around it. My brother Logan is the stick figures standing on the thin line of green at the bottom of the page. He seems pretty ordinary, but you have to hear his story before you understand him. My brother Adam is the magnet that sticks the scene to the refrigerator. He isn’t closely related to the other supplies, but he brings them all together at one time. And I’m the glue. The glue that holds her parents together; even after the construction paper is peeled apart; there is always the little bit of pink stuck to the blue paper and a little bit of blue on the pink paper. The glue that holds the glitter to the page, gets stuck to the eraser, is a part of the paint, holds the macaroni on the page, and the glue that longs to be closer to the magnet. Behind this mess of art which no one can understand lies a beautiful masterpiece.

Procrastinating.

It's pretty pathetic when each blog starts with, "So I haven't written in a while." Who is really reading anyways? Tonight, I'm trying to escape writing a 2-3 minute speech.(Couldn't be shorter, but my perfectionist attitude has to have the exact word I want in the exact place I think it should go.)

I miss writing, a lot. It helps me think. And it seems like every other day I have something new to think on, something new for Lindsey to over-analyze. Okay, so I'm being negative, sometimes it's easier. But definitely not healthier. The more negative you are the worse your mood gets.

So much life is happening right now. I want to quit the meaningless mundane tasks of the every day. What's with American culture today anyways? I suppose I'll expand on this more later. Right now I should really stop blogging and write my speech. Five hours of sleep... and it's slowly decreasing the longer I sit here. Ah, who needs it anyways?

Can't Sleep...

THis is on my facebook... but I thought I'd add it as a blog as well...

I just got home from Texas today, and I am having trouble sleeping. Not that those things correlate... but, yes. All I can do is lay here and think... I'm sick of thinking.

I just want to be fuly satisfied in Christ.
I know it's something that I will constantly strive for, but I'm drowning here.

I'm always looking for reasons I do what I do, reasons I think HOW I think. Trying to make things fit.
confusing, I know.
example... "OH, I guess I do this b/c this happened to me at this time. and I think I do this b/c secretly I want this to turn out like this."
That probably still doesn't make sense... but I know what I mean.

I've been so irratable today. I don't know why.
I'm tired of everyone's negative attitude (including my own)
I'm sick of everyone's "Woe is me"
I don't feel sorry for me... I love my life... I am just having trouble right now, understanding the decisons I make and my thought process... but it's just something to work through. Things WILL get better. I AM on God's side... even if I feel a bit lost sometimes...
I have no tolerance for people who are mean to other people.
I don't want to have to sugar coat things for everyone, so their feelings don't get hurt. But none the less, I still don't want to hurt people's feelings...
I hate the whole I don't care about anything motto, yes, you do care, if you're really honest with yourself.

I hate those really long, and sometimes short, emo satus's... I have one now... but I hate them...

I feel pretty blunt right now.
I don't like being used, taken advantage of, or lied to. I didn't realize how much this actually happened.

I want to have a day where I play OUTSIDE ALL day playing. Eating popsicles. running in the sprinkler. playing Indian princess under the willow tree in my back yard. Back when the only thing that annoyed me or upset me was when my siblings took a toy. Oh... the summer days. Basketball. Club houses. Secret passwords. It all sounds so soothing. In fact, I do believe that will help me to sleep now.

I'm pretty much just rambling... these are my thoughts... THis is how they are processesed. Probably makes a little more sense why I don't USUALLY make sense when talking with people.

I like flying. I like meeting new people. I like learning about me. But I like learning about them more. I like to try new things, even when it's hard, and I don't want to try them that moment.

God is good.
Life is perfect, enough. <-- my motto, I think...
Looking back on this... I just need to remember to love. Yep... that is key.
Love God. Love People.
Laugh it off...

I told you I'd write... It's just a little late. It surprises me that I haven't, because we all know that I've needed to let a lot of things out. God is still pulling on my heart. And I'm fighting to let go of it and my life and fully surrender everything to Him. It's hard, especially because I like to be in control. But who doesn't, right? The more emmersed in His Word I am, the deeper I fall in love with Him. He's the lover of my soul, despite all flaws. As a woman, I long to love hard, and to be loved. And the more distracted with that desire I become, the more I realize, that's not exactly what I want, but I want to be captivated by the Creator of the Universe! And that's where I am.

There are so many places Christ could be taking me, I want to stop worrying, stop trying to figure it out on my own, stop trying to plan my life. My life is already in a plan full of Christ's glory, I am going to stick with that one.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God is GOOD.

I am in Texas right now, visiting my aunt, and we are having tons of fun! : ) It is so nice to relax and be away from the consant hustle and bustle of life at home. I've slept in TWICE already!! :) We got our nails and toenails done yesterday, that's quite out of the ordinary! I have no appointments or deadlines to meet! I am definitely enjoying the time I have here! But I'll be excited to come home too! I flew here, and I love it!! haha... I have to say I was a little nervous because I haven't flown in a while, but it was most enjoyable! : )

So I'm trying to read some more Jane Austen, she is a BRILLIANT writer, and I love her! haha... And I've been working out while I'm here!! It's so easy to be in a routine when I am away from home. I love being in a routine, and relaxing and having fun! :) But I am going to quit writing before I ramble lots more... I'll try to write again soon! :)

Linds. <><